Friday, March 11, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess:

*that lately I'm becoming an overly emotional eater, eating terrible, terrible food. Cookies, Timbits, burgers, the list goes on. This week I polished off an entire bag of Chips Ahoy cookies and I bought a new bag of Oreos yesterday. The waistline is expanding and the double chins are forming. Ugh. Although it doesn't feel like it right now but spring/summer are on the way which means wearing lighter and form fitting clothes and showing more skin. Nobody wants to see my bulge. I need to do something about this.

*I say "I need to do something about this" in reference to my unhealthy eating habits and growing waistline every single day and yet never actually do anything about it.

*I love the stage my daughter is at right now. Don't get me wrong, I love every stage. But the fact that she is talking and can communicate her needs is such a relief. I really hated hearing her cry, scream or grunt in frustration. It felt like she was crying ALL. THE. TIME. But now she has words and she uses them.

*I am on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring. I need to know when our court date is.

*I feel guilty that I have my referral and others close to me on 'the list' do not have theirs yet.

*I just confessed some feelings that I have about a couple of things that are bothering me and then erased them because I do not want to upset my adoption friends.

*I am scared. I am terrified. I have fallen in love with a beautiful baby girl in a photo and I have no control over when I will hold her in my arms. What if things fall through? What if the program closes? I am terrified. I am scared of what this will do to me.

*I am scared for Selam. Will she ever be with her forever family? When? What effects will being in institutionalized have on her?

*I am hopeful I will hold my daughter in my arms.

*I am blessed to have a group of adoption friends who received referrals around the same time as we did and their children are in the same room at the same orphanage. It is nice to have that support and strong connection.

*When we received our referral I was scared for our daughter in Africa. Was she being fed? Loved? Cuddled? Comforted? I was driving to a women's retreat to meet up with the girls from church and decided to give it all to God. I let him have it all. All my worries. I knew he would take care of her and it really made a difference in my attitude and emotional health. I slept every night without worry. But this week with the new developments in Ethiopia I have reverted back to my old ways of worrying and not sleeping.

*I bought an ikea dresser on kijiji last summer and repainted it and put new crystal/glass style knobs on it to dress it up. Because I painted it brown/espresso I realized recently that Josina's white crib was just so not going to match. I didn't think this was going to be a big deal when I painted the dresser last summer but when I moved the crib into baby sister's room a few weeks ago it actually bugged me so I bought a new espresso crib to match. It is a 4 in 1, sleigh style crib and it. is. beautiful! I'm much happier now.

*While eating our breakfast this morning Josina spilled her water all over the table and floor. I said 'oh shoot!' out loud and she copied me. Thankfully it wasn't 'oh sh*t'. I REALLY need to be careful with my words.

*In order to feel right I need things to be in their place. The labelmaker gets a workout in this household. This is the project I've been working on this week. Ikea trofast storage & bins to organize Josina's playroom. Each bin is organized, labeled and has a picture attached of the items that belong in the bin. This makes me happy.

*After posting this I went upstairs to have a shower. I got my towel & housecoat ready and started the shower then realized I didn't have the phone with me and ran downstairs to get it. I need a court date. My nerves are fried. (I have actually been shaking this week)
*After my shower I came downstairs to check email/boards for the millionth time this morning and my daughter brougt an empty box of kleenex to me saying 'aw done'. I walked over to the couch to see the entire box of tissues emptied onto the couch and as I said nothing while stuffing them back into the box she said 'da' as in 'ta da'...look at my masterpiece mom.