Sunday, October 26, 2008

In a Good Place Right Now

So this trying to have a family for the past 6 years thing has obviously been an up and down roller coaster (mainly down), but I'm feeling up right now. Let me share why. About a week or so ago I was venting to my good friend on facebook about all the people I know right now who are pregnant. Of course I am excited and overjoyed for them but what you need to know is that the hardest thing to deal with is that many have met their husbands, gotten married and are now pregnant in less time (by years!) than we've been trying to start our family. Some are on baby #2 or #3. That's a hard pill to swallow. It gets harder and harder to paste the smile on your face and pretend you aren't hurting or feeling sorry for yourself inside.

But my friend's response was this: Your time will come and it will be great. All those people you have supported will come together and celebrate you in your journey as a family.

This has had a great impact on me the past week. She let me bitch and was there for me, continuing to be a tremendous support in this incredible experience and let me know that it will happen and she, along with everyone else who loves us, will also be there right along with us.

For anyone who doesn't know what it is like to experience infertility or the waiting pains of adoption it is hard because there is no belly showing off to the world that you are going to be a mom, there are no ooohs and aaaahs or shrieks of congratulations.

From the time a woman finds out she is pregnant she can pretty much guarantee that in less than 9 months there is a prize at the end of the labour (all going well, of course). She knows when she will hold her baby. With international adoption, not so isn't as straight forward as that. A woman who decides she will become a mom by adopting internationally has already grieved the dream of being pregnant, suffered through infertility treatments (most likely) and is aching to be a mom and feels there is no end in sight.

When you decide to adopt internationally it can take almost a year to get a homestudy done and a dossier compiled, completed and to arrive in the country of adoption. Then she has to wait months and months for a referral, MONTHS to see the very first picture of her baby (similar to an ultrasound per se?). MONTHS! Some women have had to wait 15 months! Then before she can hold her baby in her arms (instead of the dolls she buys for her baby) she has to wait months longer and watch her baby reach milestones in photographs, in a country on the other side of the world. She thinks the end will never come. She crys and crys until she thinks she cannot cry any more. She shops and shops to fulfill the void because she just doesn't know when she can hold her baby.

I have grieved the loss of the dream of being pregnant (2 years ago, in fact). I have the blessing of becoming an adoptive mom, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world! My friend's response helped me realize that the jubilation, the congratulations, the celebrations WILL happen. Over the past 6 years it seemed like it was never going to happen, I've been very depressed about it for the past 6 months. But now I am at the top of the roller coaster (for now). My friends and family WILL celebrate with us...we are not alone in this wait...they are waiting just as anxiously as we are. That the day we receive the call, they will also cry tears of joy (probably not the UGLY CRY that I will cry, but tears all the same).

Thank you to my friend for supporting me, letting me bitch when I need to and helping me though this. You know who you are.

To everyone else who is riding this crazy ride with us...thank you. Start buying bottles of champagne....we're gonna have one heck of a party! The day is coming!