Sunday, October 26, 2008

In a Good Place Right Now

So this trying to have a family for the past 6 years thing has obviously been an up and down roller coaster (mainly down), but I'm feeling up right now. Let me share why. About a week or so ago I was venting to my good friend on facebook about all the people I know right now who are pregnant. Of course I am excited and overjoyed for them but what you need to know is that the hardest thing to deal with is that many have met their husbands, gotten married and are now pregnant in less time (by years!) than we've been trying to start our family. Some are on baby #2 or #3. That's a hard pill to swallow. It gets harder and harder to paste the smile on your face and pretend you aren't hurting or feeling sorry for yourself inside.

But my friend's response was this: Your time will come and it will be great. All those people you have supported will come together and celebrate you in your journey as a family.

This has had a great impact on me the past week. She let me bitch and was there for me, continuing to be a tremendous support in this incredible experience and let me know that it will happen and she, along with everyone else who loves us, will also be there right along with us.

For anyone who doesn't know what it is like to experience infertility or the waiting pains of adoption it is hard because there is no belly showing off to the world that you are going to be a mom, there are no ooohs and aaaahs or shrieks of congratulations.

From the time a woman finds out she is pregnant she can pretty much guarantee that in less than 9 months there is a prize at the end of the labour (all going well, of course). She knows when she will hold her baby. With international adoption, not so much..it isn't as straight forward as that. A woman who decides she will become a mom by adopting internationally has already grieved the dream of being pregnant, suffered through infertility treatments (most likely) and is aching to be a mom and feels there is no end in sight.

When you decide to adopt internationally it can take almost a year to get a homestudy done and a dossier compiled, completed and to arrive in the country of adoption. Then she has to wait months and months for a referral, MONTHS to see the very first picture of her baby (similar to an ultrasound per se?). MONTHS! Some women have had to wait 15 months! Then before she can hold her baby in her arms (instead of the dolls she buys for her baby) she has to wait months longer and watch her baby reach milestones in photographs, in a country on the other side of the world. She thinks the end will never come. She crys and crys until she thinks she cannot cry any more. She shops and shops to fulfill the void because she just doesn't know when she can hold her baby.

I have grieved the loss of the dream of being pregnant (2 years ago, in fact). I have the blessing of becoming an adoptive mom, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world! My friend's response helped me realize that the jubilation, the congratulations, the celebrations WILL happen. Over the past 6 years it seemed like it was never going to happen, I've been very depressed about it for the past 6 months. But now I am at the top of the roller coaster (for now). My friends and family WILL celebrate with us...we are not alone in this wait...they are waiting just as anxiously as we are. That the day we receive the call, they will also cry tears of joy (probably not the UGLY CRY that I will cry, but tears all the same).

Thank you to my friend for supporting me, letting me bitch when I need to and helping me though this. You know who you are.

To everyone else who is riding this crazy ride with us...thank you. Start buying bottles of champagne....we're gonna have one heck of a party! The day is coming!

11 comments:

Dianne said...

Glad you're at the top just now - and when you're not, it sounds like you've got some great friends to help you along.

I can't wait for your day to be here and will be cheering right along with you! :)

Janine said...

This really moved me Tammy. I am so glad that you are in a good place right now, because it can be hard to get to. I am proud of how both you and Sid have handle this whole process, you are both strong people who are loved by many.

You are right, infertility is a bitter pill to swallow. As is watching all your friends and family around you have their dreams fulfilled by becoming pregnant and having their babies. But your friend is right, your time will come, as it did for the rest of us. And we will all be there to help you celebrate!

The journey for some is smooth, others have hills and valleys to go through, and some have mountains to conquer. Each journey is different, and has its own hurdles to jump, but in the end, we are all blessed. Some people just don't realize how blessed they are.

I feel that it is through friends, families, and sites like this that help remind everyone how blessed we all are. Some people don't realize that having a child is not always an easy task, and that many couples have years of heartache before they become parents. Through communicating with others, I feel it helps people understand what a blessing becoming a parent really is. So keep communicating to everyone. All of our stories, no matter what type of journey we have had, should be embraced and heard by all! Talking helps, not hinders.

So let's all start to celebrate your "pregnancy"! Let's raise our glasses/mugs/cups...whatever you have, and toast Tammy and Sid on their upcoming arrival!! We are here for you both!
(I will celebrate again, with you both in 18 days!!)

Congratulations!!! Love you guys!!

Rana said...

It is so good to have a support system of friends and family who will love you and listen to you thru this experience. Then add in the ever awesome adoption group and your set!!

I will be here too cheering the day you get your referral and become a mom.

Rana
P.S. I can totally relate to your post.

Natalie and Chris said...

Very well written Tammy. I wish I could use those same words to help describe how I feel. I tend to not know how to put it into words. Needless to say, i'm celebrating your high with you right now, and even though we don't know each other physically I will be here to help pick you up when the roller coaster goes down. Natalie

The Mannings said...

I can't wait for the party!!! It will all be so worth it. I have been there/am there and I can agree 100% with what you said. I am so greatful for the chance to get to know people through blogs because know one really understands unless they have been there.

Cilla said...

I can completely relate as well Tammy. I've suffered through very invasive fertility treatments myself, spent thousands of dollars, cried myself to sleep many times and watched my husband stand back, not knowing how to console me (I really was unconsolable), only to be told it will NEVER happen after years of trying. The amount of drugs I've taken would scare the pants off any drug addict! :) But when that part of my life was over and I accepted that I was meant to nurture, not nature, I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to wonder if or when it will happen. Now I know I WILL have a family, I just have to be patient a little while longer. And that's nothing - I can do that!

Thanks for inviting me to your blog. I'll be following your story and look forward to the big day!!

katbandola said...

Hi Tammy, I've been praying for you in this adventure for a long time.I think the fact that you and Sid have had to wait for your family, this long, will make the celebration, that much better and bigger! Never before have I been so excited about a baby coming into this world. (my own babies, I was filled with worry and shock) I get teary eyed just thinking about your announcement and the emotion it will bring to us all. It will be a celebration like no other. Yes, I will be "ugly crying" right along with you, alice cooper eyes and all.
God Bless You and your tired hearts,
Kathleen

Kathleen said...

Hi Tammy, just a thought....when is the longest time it will take to get your baby? I think (unsolicited advice warning) that you should consider the longest time frame, is that 18 months or so, your due date. You could have one to focus on, rather than the unknown. If we celebrate that day and get everything ready for that day, if the baby comes sooner, it will be a happy surprise. You are already so organized and prepared, I doubt you will be caught off guard. Yes, you will have the longest pregnancy in the history of pregnancies, but we should celebrate the waiting just the same as anyone else! Plus, if you want me to phone you in the middle of the night and pretend to be heartburn or something, I will.

Infertility is horrible, and I imagine that you have to find ways to avoid it. I have that issue with Mother's Day and have to avoid all card shops, and female places in hopes I can make it through without public crying and whimpering.

I loved the picture of you reading your parents magazine. It brings tears to my eyes since you are such a beautiful young Mom already.

With love and support and prayers,
Kathleen

Alysia said...

Hi Tammy,

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog! It's fun to get messages. And I was able to follow you back to your blog. That was fun to see who you are. I'm new at the blogging thing so am unsure of all its capabilities. Thanks for telling us how long it took your paperwork from where we are now until Ethiopia! That's exciting! I hoped it would be there by Christmas, but it sounds like it could be there several weeks earlier. That would be GREAT! You blog says you're a teacher too. That's cool. What do you teach? I teach grades 4 & 5. Most days I love it. Some days. . . Well, if you're a teacher you know. What do you plan to do once you have your baby? I want to stay home after the parental leave is up, if at all possible. But am trying to figure out other ideas where I could still be a teacher, but work out of home, such as being a contact teacher for homeschoolers, etc. Not anything concrete yet.
Alysia

alysia said...

Hi again!
I also do not know how to respond to your comment on my blog, so here I am back again on your blog! ha ha. I understand what you mean about spending every day with other people's children and really just wanting your own. As much as I enjoy my students, I REALLY just want to be a mom right now. I DO NOT want to teach full time once we have our baby either. But my husband got laid off from his job of 13 years last November because of the rise in the Canadian dollar and it's bad affect on the timber industry in BC. He got another job five months later (luckily) but it was quite a significant pay cut, so now we just can't live only on his salary, so I need to bring in at least a bit each month. We will be all right when I am on parental leave, but I need to figure out how to work part time out of home by the time those nine months are up. We believe God has led us to adopt though, and are sure he will provide. It would just be nice to know in advance! :) Anyway, sorry you have to be back in the classroom in a few months, but it will only be for a little while it sounds like, and then next fall you will fly away to meet your babe! How exciting! Hopefully we'll only be three or four months behind you! Yes, we are with Imagine. Our file is supposed to be sent to them Monday or Tuesday of next week. And yes, I am on the Yahoo group. I have learned tons there! If you are there, maybe I could just email you from there, if I could figure that out!

Adam said...
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