Friday, October 31, 2008

Stupid Things People Say

When you haven't been through an experience that someone else has gone through or is going through you can't say to them that you really understand. The same thing goes for infertility or the process of adoption. If you haven't experienced it like I have, you truly can't understand what it has been like.

I've been thinking about a few things that have been said to me in the past 6 years where I just have either looked stunned or just had to inwardly shake my head in attempt to avoid exploding.
1. "Once you adopt you'll get pregnant."
*Yep-we've all heard that one before. You know what? Some people just can't get pregnant! It isn't possible and will never happen. Give it up already. I have!
*When you are adopting it doesn't matter if you can or cannot get pregnant at that point. Having an adopted child is the same thing as having a bio child!!! Treat it as such!

2. "You just haven't prayed hard enough."
*Yep, someone actually said that to me. It deserves no comment.

3. "How can someone just give their baby away?"
*Placing a child for adoption has involved months of thought, heartache and tears. A mother doesn't just willy nilly place her child for adoption. She makes the biggest sacrifice for her child so her child can have a better life. She isn't 'giving' it away. I have a tremendous amount of respect for birth moms...I love my birth mom already. I think about her ALL the time and I don't even know her.

This is one added by a fellow blogger and one I've heard MANY times over:
4. "You are lucky, at least you won't have to deal with getting pregnant and being fat."
*Yes, I am lucky! Being an adoptive parent is a true blessing and gift from God! (My response)
*But I am getting fat! I'm gaining weight being depressed because I have no control over when I will have a baby. (My response)

Another from a fellow blogger:
5. 'Oh, you're adopting just like Madonna and Angelina Jolie.'
*Yep, just like Madonna and Angelina Jolie. Only they don't have to remortgage their house just to finance the adoption. (My response: ok, I'm exaggerating...just a home equity loan...)

There have been other comments made that I just can't remember at the moment. I'm sure you have others. Please let me know and I'll add them to the list. It is important that we help others understand what type of comments help and which do not. Saying something 'thoughtful' versus the first thing that comes into your head.


Adam said...

Hi Tammy,
I love this post and was hoping to put it on our blog if you don't mind. Let me know if that is OK


alysia said...

Hi again Tammy.
I love this latest post of yours.
But back to our previous blog to blog conversation. . . I feel very silly but I can't find YOU on the yahoo group member list. I found me. I'm on there as alysia_ca. But when I searched for "Tammy" I got two. One said, "Tammy and Chris" and the other just said, "Tammy" but I couldn't find one that said "Tammy and Sidney." Any ideas?

Natalie and Chris said...

I would love to post the full list on my blog as well. I actually had someone say to me "your lucky, at least you won't have to deal with being pregnant and getting fat" in response i said "actually I will really miss that part" I just wish I could smack some of them.

Janice said...

I've had the Madonna and Angelina comparison a bunch of times - it makes me cringe. I've also heard the one about not having to gain all the pregnancy weight. UGH!!! Those other ones you listed are just awful. I was shocked when I read some them

The Warren Family said...

Hi there,
I just came across your blog and enjoyed reading your posts! My hubby ad I are adopting as well.
I have gotten the Jolie/Pitt comment also...come on people, give us adoptive families some credit. Do people really think we are stupid enough to think a baby is a trend like wanting the latest hand bag...
and yep I have added an extra 10 pounds (and counting).

Natalie and Chris said...

Hi Tammy, just to let you know, i don't know how to directly respond to a blogger neither, so I either respond on my own comment page or like this go to the other persons blog and post. Feel free to email me at should you ever have anything to say directly. Have a great day.

Natalie and Chris said...

Hi Tammy. Glad to hear my post helped out a bit. I was just speaking to a girl friend this morning and explaining to her that you guys (adoptive bloggers) keep me going, so here I am to pick you up and keep you going for a few more days...:)

Still no news on the approval, i'm hoping this week will be the week.

Talk to you soon, take care and keep smiling...Natalie